Nikki Leigh McKean | Lover of Life
Nikki Leigh McKean | Creative Mindset Coach, Visionary, Commercial Photographer, Restaurateur
She is a lover of life and is inspired by life's romance and serendipitous moments.
She is witness to transformative change, and people’s ability to find fluidity and beauty even through life’s most difficult terrain. She is committed to growing and learning through her daily self-study that includes, yoga, meditation, mindset work, whole meals, self-care regimes and creative play.
She says that her greatest teachers are her two beautiful daughters Charlotte and Sofie, and the love of her life Victor.
She requires her alone time and also cherishes her time spent with friends, family and strong nurturing communities built on love, trust and curiosity. She is listening and open to accept what is and learning to ask for what she needs in each moment.
She is beautifully complete.
Most importantly, after a cervical cancer diagnosis at 34 and a breast cancer diagnosis at 36, she just threw out her “Cancer Binder” – purging all the things in her mind and physical space that no longer serve her. She is wildly free and living a life where the main experience is love in a world of endless possibility.
xoxo.
CANCER | The Second Time.
People often say.. “I don’t have time for that.”
'That' being pretty much anything your mind can imagine. But is that the truth? Or do you think the real answer is that we aren’t making the time a priority?
The 'Let's Radiate' Project is to help re-set and hopefully shift our awareness to help understand that every little bit helps. I don’t have time for cancer treatment... AGAIN! No... seriously - I just had it... I just spent the last 2yrs spending all my time and energy remodelling my life and finally... just barely... feeling better. Imagine if you were diagnosed with Cancer today and/or some other terrible illness - what would you change? Now... I really want you to think about that - because it requires more than a thought, it requires action and that same action over and over again everyday. Are you ready to take action? Take it from me... please for the love of god - do something
I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer (Stage 2B) on July 17th 2015 (Charlotte was 18months old and Sofie 2months old) and I was treated with Chemo/Radiation Therapy right away. I blogged the entire journey – if you would like to read more about what my experience with Cancer was the first time you can visit (https://ibelieveinunicornsandrainbows.com).
The timing of cancer is never great. So... again - let's talk about making time a priority.
On Monday, May 29th 2017 – days before we were to open our new restaurant, Café Cancan – Sofie ran into my right breast in the morning and just 20mins later at the park a woman came running up to me asking me if I was alright to which I replied... "Umm... yes? What's wrong?!" I looked down and I had bled through my shirt - I knew right there and then it wasn't good. I was bleeding through my right nipple and it was a considerable amount of blood. When you've been in the 'Cancer Seat' it's hard to not let your mind race, every ache, every pain - is the Cancer back?
But, this was brand new.
Imagine that... a brand new Cancer just shy of 2yrs - is this seriously happening AGAIN?
Feel that. What does that 'feel' like? Where do you 'feel that' in your body?
You start to see your life like a real-time motion picture happening right in front of you, in slow motion...
The timing of cancer is never great. So... again - let's talk about making time a priority.
I began all the testing almost immediately, CT Scans, MRI, Mammograms, Contrast Dyes, Blood Work... all the bells and whistles until finally on June 29th, just 18days shy of 2yrs from the first Cancer I was diagnosed with the second - Invasive DCIS Breast Cancer. There was no option to keep the right breast - the mass was 5cm and they were worried about the invasive component travelling to the lymph nodes (which we later found out that a small component had been found in one of my lymph nodes). Surgery a MUST and then after pathology reports we would know if I would need any further Chemo/Radiation treatment. At one point I thought maybe a hidden camera was watching me - playing a bad joke. A young Doctor with very thick Irish accent says to me... "Well Ms McKean - you sure have had a bout of bad luck!" Is this guy for real? Is he going to give me a bowl of lucky charms? 'Bout of bad luck?' Then, he taps my #tatas and says... "Well, what size would you like to be?" How is this happening... it's only been 45mins into me being diagnosed with Breast Cancer and now I'm being asked what size I would like to be? Why is Cancer so mad at my lady parts? No seriously? Back off Cancer... back the fuck off!
Cue... slow motion now. I think I'm going to be sick... I can hear people talking just not sure what it all means... maybe it's a different language? Where am I? I must be dreaming.
So without taking things too personally I decided on a bilateral mastectomy with absolutely no reconstruction. People had mixed emotions about this decision but I did not - it was the only thing that made sense to me and reconstruction seemed so unimportant to what we were dealing with. Let's take out the cancer please people!!!! Thank you!! So, on July 26th I had a bilateral mastectomy. Entering into the hospital for pre-op... the gowns, the bracelets, the sharpie markings on your body just seemed all to familiar to me - am I dreaming again? All of the smells seemed all too familiar to me almost similar to having your second baby... but there was no sweet newborn here... there was an immense loss.
This photo was taken by my home care Nurse Austin about one week post-opp.
The timing of cancer is never great. So... again - let's talk about making time a priority.
Feel that.
Surgery. Post-op. They say 6-8 weeks... what they really mean is 12+++ and no lifting. Oh what's that you have two toddlers? Yah, Cancer really doesn't care. "No lifting... you just had major surgery! Take care of yourself and focus on your healing."
But wait... Hadn't I just been doing that?? I have stuff to do...
Hello?
The truth is that cancer has given me and my family some incredibly 'forced' time together and helped build a new community that I couldn’t imagine my life without - but did we need a life lesson in perspective from Cancer again?
This project came to life on the morning of October 5th while I was waiting for an appt with my Radiologist to speak to him about further treatment. As I sat waiting for the nurse to call me in a whooshing bout of fear set in, deep dark despair as I looked around the basement floor of the cancer hospital. Everyone around me is suffering… really suffering and I could literally physically feel it in my body. I am paralyzed by this pain.
I feel itchy, immediately anxious, sad, sick to my stomach and it's happening all over my body. My hands pinned to my chest, me thinking… “Is it hot in here? I might be having a hot flash? A random fish tank with barely breathing fish... oh the poor fish. Why are all the TVs showing news stations? Can't we turn on Ellen or an old episode of Friends like they do when I'm getting my bikini waxed at TEN SPOT? Where are the windows - what season is it? Where am I? Why does that guy have his phone on so loud? Is he watching Trump on CNN? Omg… I think I’m going to be sick! Turn it down!!!!!!! Off actually... turn OFF THE TRUMP! Jesus this is a Cancer Hospital!” The deep pressure in my chest, watering eyes, an itchy throat and a deep deep sensation of ‘deja-vu’ sets in and it’s all too familiar to take in.
How the hell am I back here? I don’t like this. I don’t want this. Make it go away.
In the same moment of a dark sadness of 'what's to come' came an immediate call to action… “How am I going to get through this? How am I going to bring light and love to my healing journey and the people that I see and meet everyday in this environment? This is not 'my story' and if I'm going to be here… I need all the support I can find and maybe I can shine some of that light and love on the people in here that are suffering too.
This cancer… this new cancer of mine and this radiation treatment… it has to mean more than 'just this'.
Thank you Scarlet O'Neill for this beautiful portrait of me in the space where I created the 'Let's Radiate' Project.
So, along came the ‘Let’s Radiate’ Project. After my appointment with my doctor I immediately started brainstorming all of the things including people that I feel inspired by and created a vision board. I called my dear friend Laura Wills and asked her if she could help me bring all the things I had furiously thrown together in a couple of hours to life. She immediately came over to the studio and we shared, created, doodled and I was left with some thinking to do. I spent the next couple of days sitting in this room on my meditation cushion trying to imagine what would make my heart happy during this difficult time and how I could share this with the world. One of the biggest sources of inspiration was a recent meal train that was organized right after my surgery by my dear friend Catherine. I think one of the biggest learning curves for me the first time with cancer was really 'receiving help' ... and I mean 'like really receiving help'. When asked... "How can we help?" you need to know how to answer quickly and honestly. I know - it's difficult for some of us, but trust me - people want to help. At first receiving 3 personally cooked meals specifically tailored to what you are eating for your healthy healing everyday was uncomfortable... almost spikes... whooshes of scratching in my throat and in the back of my ears and throat. So vulnerable I could crawl right out of my skin. But then... something happens when you surrender and open up your life to the temporary madness and know that we are all in this together if you let it.
Let it in.
Feel that.
Let the love and light in.
Magic.
People are doing great things in this world. I believe there is more light and love than war - I've witnessed it. Unimaginably beautiful things are happening everyday even in the chaos - the question is what am I doing to contribute to that? How do I get through this and help teach others it's possible to heal through light and love in dark days. I know this to be true... I know this to be our most authentic self. I know that light and love brings healing.
I know that community is a MUST.
I know that meditation is a must.
I know that music and moving makes us feel good - even if we can't move our physical body.
I know that Ellen feels better than any news channel I've ever watched. Seriously!!
An updated Bucket List. No limits.
Music... lots of music. Someone special.
And it goes on...
So.. in that moment of 'darkness' I was reminded that not too long ago I felt love and light all over. How do I get that back? Surrender. Feel the love rush in. Feel That. Feel the tears fall down your cheek. Breathe.
I feel it, I feel everything.
Surrender. You are not alone. You are loved. You are light.
I feel people's love. all. over. Literally - I can feel it beam through and that's what healing is.
The best part is that we don't need a terrible illness for us to receive it.
Are you listening? Don't forget. Don't skip your turn.
So...
The timing of cancer is never great. So... again - let's talk about making time a priority.
I had a tight timeline... I tried to bring together all of the things that I have collected from my community and that I love most in my daily practice and what most inspires me as a person. I knew from my past experience that Radiation treatment starts in 1-2 weeks after the mapping and tattoos so I had to make decisions fast. So much so that when the tech called me with my first appointments I told him I would have to postpone if for another week as I didn't have my 'Let's Radiate' Project ready yet! He responded by saying... "Umm.. ma'am people aren't really allowed to re-schedule their cancer treatment schedules - I will have to call your doctor and ask!" To which I replied... "This isn't my first rodeo - the radiation can wait a week - this project cannot!"
So this is me... Trying harder and making more time for the things that matter.
16 Radiation Treatments. 16 Days.
Let's Radiate' Project - a creative project that was born out of a deadly disease and extremely difficult treatment process. Imagine turning your worst enemy into one of the most magical experiences of your life. This is my intention. 16 Daily Activities, 16 Daily Inspirational Quotes and if you're feeling frisky... Bonus Cards to send even more light and love everyone's way.
Now… Let’s Radiate together and spread all kinds of love around the world. Feel that.
- Nikki Leigh McKean
August 8th 2017 - This is me out for a walk by myself for the first time 14days after my bilateral mastectomy.